Schmopera Op-ed

Hey everyone!

I was recently given the opportunity to write for the awesome online opera editorial Schmopera! (www.schmopera.com) and you can check out my article here:

http://www.schmopera.com/breaking-into-the-industry-a-vicious-cycle/

Let me know what you think!

Conflicting Advice Part II: Inside the World of a Male Opera Singer

PHOTO: www.ayi.com

Good morning everyone!

Sorry I have been somewhat MIA lately, it has been quite bonkers with my students and their upcoming festivals and I haven't had as much time to write as I would have liked.

Today I present to you: 

Conflicting Advice Part II: Inside the World of a Male Opera Singer

When I wrote the first version, I thought it would be both fun and interesting to hear some useless advice on the men side of things.

I have enlisted the help of Michael Pistorio: 

     Michael Pistorio is a 25 years old lyric baritone from Pasadena, MD a suburb of Baltimore, MD. He graduated with his undergraduate degree a year ago from a small liberal arts university in Music: Vocal Performance. Since then, Michael been an independent musician performing in concerts, recitals, and operas along the Mid-Atlantic Region of the United States. You can find Michael on Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn, and SoundCloud all under his full name: Michael Pistorio.

"These are some of my favorite questions and comments I’ve received since I began training as a Classical singer in September 2011. For the record I am a 25 year old Lyric Baritone. I have a very versatile voice which allows me to sing a lot of rep in Musical Theatre, Art Songs, Spirituals, and Sacred Music. The operatic repertoire that best suits me right now is Handel, Donizetti and Mozart. I know this, and it’s not changing in the immediate future. 

“Are you a baritone? You sound like a tenor.”

“Is your voice right for that?”

“I think this piece is too high for your voice.”

“I think this [same piece] is too low for your voice.”

“Are you sure that you’re not a tenor?”

“Your voice is really starting to settle.”

“Your voice is starting to sound more dramatic.”

“You're too young, your voice is still changing too much.”

“You need more dramatic rep.”

“You need lighter rep.”

“You’re singing too dramatic.”

“Your voice isn’t big enough to sing Puccini.”

“Here, you should work on this Puccini.” (For the record, I’m currently working on the Puccini.)

“Your voice is perfectly suited for Mozart.”

“You’re too young for Mozart.” 

“You’ve lost weight.”

“You need to lose weight.”

“You’re too skinny.”

“You need to bulk up, put some muscle on.”

“You work out right?” (Got it, I need to hit the gym, thank you.)

“Directors want your voice big and your shirt off.” (GOT IT, really!)

a comment on my voice: “Well, at least you’ll fit the costume.”

“You know you have constant dark shadows under your eyes, right?”

“The features of your face are too bold.” 

“I like how bold your features are.” 

“Keep your hair short.”

“Grow your hair out.”

“You look too young on stage.” 

“You’ll never get cast, you look too young.”

“Keep your facial hair.”

“You should trim your facial hair into *insert pattern/shape here*.”

“I love your hair like this, don’t change it!”

“I hate your hair like this, change it immediately!”

“Make sure you wear a plain tux for every recital.”

“Don’t wear a tux, no one likes them anymore.”

“Yes a tie.”

“No, no tie.” (These last 6 were two different people weighing in for the same event.) 

I believe 100% that I have a complete advantage being a male in this industry. But that doesn’t mean I go without my criticisms and opinions from everyone. People are definitely more forgiving of me but I still strive to make as many people happy as I can. The truth is, I can only be happy with myself and the music I am making. 

My voice teacher says it best, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. Best to just listen to your own judgement from here on out.”

Thanks again to Michael for all your help with this article! I couldn't have done it without you!

As I said to the ladies, be resilient, my darlings!

Things I want to say: also, too scared.

Byron Bay Events and beyond

So, I am feeling like I am letting myself down a bit with this blog. I started writing it because I feel like there is so much about this industry that isn't being said. So far, I have opted to ignore these issues and go for the comedy. And why? Because I am terrified.

This industry is so small; everyone is one or two degrees of separation away. I am afraid that if I say the things I really feel need to be said, that people will take offence and then I will get in trouble. I know it sounds so juvenile, but I am truly afraid of these people!

Ultimately, I want these subjects to be things that people aren't afraid to talk about. What does it say about the way things are being run if the people involved are tip-toeing on eggshells and unable to voice concerns?

Here is one of the subjects I was hoping to talk about. 

I'm upset with the way most people are reacting to productions  because of by whom they are produced.

I saw a truly horrible and offensive staging of  "Don Giovanni" at the Canadian Opera Company. The reason I did not enjoy it is not a reflection on the COC or the singers but of the director (Tcherniakov). 

All the reviews (except Schmopera.com* - thank God) were all:

 "4 out of 4 stars!" 

"Not to be missed!"

 "OMG I LOVED IT!" 

and not a single review (again, except Schmopera.com who nailed it) spoke about how the interpretation just didn't work.

If I wasn't sitting in the middle of the 5th ring, I would have walked out. I was also fully ready to boo the director if he came on stage.

Because no one wants to step on the COC's toes because they are the only giant opera house in the country, nobody talks about anything other than how amazing it was.

I have seen this happen production after production and I can't take it anymore. I have been less than thrilled with several of the last productions I have seen, and it has almost been, every time, because it was just an interpretation that did not work.

 You don't have to love something just because it was produced by the COC (or any other place for that matter). If you hated the direction or the costumes or even weren't thrilled with some of the singing or the level of acting, that's ok! Sometimes I wish we were more like La Scala and could show our dislike with a big ole BOO!

We're getting too polite. (ahem, read: too Canadian) Please have an opinion. 

Having an opinion does not make you mean or disagreeable or unemployable. Voicing your opinion isn't going to make you a bad colleague. Your opinion is not a personal reflection on the people involved. Please don't be afraid to love something because everyone else disliked or dislike something just because everyone else enjoyed it. This is what creating art is about; making people feel something. Have feelings!

If we want the face of opera to change, they need to know what we think about what we see. If we just think everything is great, then the industry is not going to move forward.

* If you missed the embedded link and would like to read Schmopera.com's review of Don Giovanni, you can find it here: http://schmopera.com/in-review-tcherniakovs-don-giovanni/

Gal to Pal: how to be your own Valentine (and also how to make yourself look like a hunky dude)

Hi guys!

This week I did a VLOG for the very first time. I chose to do a tutorial on how to look like a really hunky guy. It should be helpful to most female singers as there seems to be a pants role for nearly every voice type.

I was also inspired by the fact that my partner will be away as he is rehearsing for a production of Mary Poppins (awesome!) and I will be alone on Valentines Day. I didn't think anything could be better, in this case, than being my own Valentine and so I turned myself into a hunk (ha!) for myself to hang out with.

I made this on my phone.

After I took my hair down I felt like I looked even dreamier.

I had intended to show you how to do it in 5 minutes, but by the time I finished explaining the first time through and had picked up all my dropped brushes, it was closer to 20. I had to record it again.

OMG AMAZING THUMBNAIL. THANKS YOUTUBE.

All of the products I use are things I already own; I have never purchased anything extra to play a pant role. You'll notice I did not do the loose powder over top and that is because it was my second time today doing the make-up and I didn't want to deal with it again.

Please give it a watch and let me know what you think!

If you are feeling ambitious, give it a try yourself and share the picture ( #immyownvalentine ) on my Facebook Page, Twitter (@irrelevantdiva) or Instagram (@theirrelevantdiva).

Let me know if there is anything you'd like me to write or vlog about and I will see what I can do.

I have some ideas up my sleeve so stay tuned!

Thanks for following me and have a great weekend!

Enjoy this young man singing "Die Holle Rache"

Good morning everyone!

This week went bonkers and I am sad to say I was unable to complete the project I had planned for this week so it will come at a later date.

In the meantime, while I usually cannot deal with "child opera singers", this German choir boy is delightful.

Enjoy and I will see you with a bigger, better blog next week!

Conflicting Advice: Inside the World of a Female Opera Singer

In the little world in which we live, there are many opinions on how one should exist. Every coach, colleague, director and teacher has a different idea. The advice and opinions of these people is usually unsolicited and freely given.

I wish that these examples were made up. I wish they were exaggerated.

They are not.

In the past 8 years, I have received  many well-intentioned and inconsistent opinions on: my body, my family, my voice, my appearance, my repertoire, whom I should marry, what I should wear, views on my hair and make-up.

Without further ado, I will share with you some of the most conflicting advice I have been given in this career.

Photo: GETTY

Voice Type (Fach)

"Are you sure you're a mezzo?"

"Are you sure you're not a mezzo?"

"I am not convinced you are a mezzo."

"Voice types are a choice, I think you should choose to be a mezzo and just be a really good one."

"You are definitely not a mezzo."

"You are a really unusual soprano."

"Maybe you should sing a fach lighter."

"I don't think this lyric stuff works for you, definitely sing the dramatic rep."

"You are definitely a dramatic voice type."

"I think maybe you're a Rossini mezzo."

"Your voice is too rich to put you on stage with your peers."

"Although your voice is of substantial size, it's not what we're looking for."

"You're too young to sing with those people."

"Your voice hates moving! We're going to forget about teaching you to trill."

"Why aren't you singing any Mozart?"

"You will never sing Mozart."

"Maybe look at this Mozart."

"I think you could sing this Mozart. Actually, I don't think you will sing Mozart."

"You have to have a Mozart."

Acting

"Wow, that monologue was really amazing, you could bring that to Stratford today and they would probably hire you."

"You need to take acting lessons."

"You have IT! You need to be doing this! Maybe think about switching to straight acting."

"Have you thought about going into acting?"

"I think you should look for an acting teacher."

On a comment sheet from a summer program audition the following boxes were checked off:

ACTING

- too general

- too specific

- excellent

"I think you'll only ever do character acting, you're so funny."

"You are so fearless on stage! Definitely a Lady Macbeth."

"You are a natural Shakespearean actor."

Body & Appearance

"You look so much better than last year!"

"You're so tiny for your voice type!"

"You're a little soft around the belly."

"Don't lose too much weight."

"Maybe think about losing a little more weight."

"You'll always be the funny, chubby one to me."

"You walk into the room and I think, THAT'S CARMEN!"

"You are way too feminine to play a pants role."

"You look too masculine with all that make-up on."

"Go easy on the eye make-up, you look like a drag queen."

"You hair looks amazing!"

"Don't wear your hair like that, its far too severe on you."

"I liked your hair better before."

"I like the straight hair."

"Don't straighten your hair."

"Dress pants don't suit you."

"Get a pant suit."

"Never wear a pant suit, only a skirt or dress."

"Wear whatever is most comfortable!"

On Choosing a Partner

"Don't date a singer. Promise me you'll never date a singer."

"Marry a pianist - you'll save a fortune on coachings!"

"Only other singers understand, maybe think about marrying a singer."

"Don't get married."

"Marry someone self-employed so they can follow you around."

"Marry someone with a good job so you can focus on your singing and not worry about money."

On having children

"Have kids now before your career starts."

"Wait until your career has taken off to have kids."

"Have them now and give them to your mother to raise." (I was told this at age 19)

"Don't have children."

"Have one and have it late in life."

"Have them while you're young so you aren't too tired."

"Have them before you're thirty so you can get your body back."

"Wait until you're in your mid 30's and you have enough money."

"I regret waiting so long, have them as soon as you can!"

"I wish I had waited to have mine. Definitely wait."

"You can just adopt later."

"Have them now while you don't have anything else going on."

I know there are no black and white answers in this industry. I really do.

I sometimes simply do not understand why everyone thinks you want to hear what they think about your body, your family and your personal life. The voice stuff I get, I guess although it doesn't make the contradictory opinions any easier to sort out.

Be resilient, my darlings!

NOTE: I labelled this "Inside the World of a Female Opera Singer" because that is what I know best. If there are any men out there who would like to guest blog about being "Inside the World of a Male Opera Singer", I would be happy to hear from you!

Performance Hair[styles] Part 1: Bobby Pins

Ok. It needs to be said. I have seen some abysmal hair styling skills in my performance life: in particular, the misuse of bobby pins.

An example of misuse:

c. Beauty High

I wish I could tell you that this misuse is happening because bobby pins are tricky, but they truly are not that hard to use correctly.

I am not a professional hair stylist. I am, however, very handy with a curling iron. In most performances, I have, at some point, been called on to assist with someone's hair. In a production I did this past summer, I ended up styling all the Woodsprites in Rusalka, the Prince and many of the chorus members for the ballroom scene.

Myself and Megan-Maeve McCarthy HSOF Rusalka 2014

When I was little, I was sure I was going to be a hair dresser and spent hour after hour practicing updos on my dolls or on myself. 

So, without further ado, I announce todays blog:

Performance Hair[styles] Part 1: Bobby Pins

I have compiled some good performance hair strategies and looks for you which I will outline here.

Bobby Pins: how to use correctly

Our friend, the bobby pin, is one of the performers best friends. It can hold little to plenty of hair, can be used to create a wide array of looks and, when used properly, both hold style well and are discreet.

1. You are probably inserting bobby pins upside down.

c. Kathleen Kamphausen

It's true! The wavy side goes down! Putting bobby pins in the right way prevents hair from sliding out. The wavy side creates more traction, holds the style longer and, when crisscrossed with another bobby pin, literally locks them into place. This quick fix will save you a lot of refastening of your hair style!

2. For extra-fine or slippery hair, spray the pins with dry shampoo or hairspray before use.

Lay the pins out on a paper towel and spray them with dry shampoo or hairspray. Allow time for them to dry and then pin away!

3. Try the twist-and-pin method for discreet usage.

c. MakeAGIF.com

As it says on Cosmopolitan.com:

"Using a larger bobby pin or hairpin like Nishida Hair Pins, aim the open end of the pin against the direction that your hair is pulled. Next, rotate the pin so the open end is facing the same direction as the hair, and push the pin in toward your head to secure it. If inserted correctly, the pins will pull your hair tighter and be unnoticeable. Repeat these steps until your style is completely secure. (Tip via Matrixartistic director Ammon Carver.)"

Easy fail-proof styles that use bobby pins.

1. One side pinned back

This is always one of my go-to performance looks. I always wear my hair down because I have a gigantic head and face (no joke) and wearing my hair up is too severe on me. 

I think this hair style works for just about every hair type: straight, fine, wavy, curly, short, medium or long hair. It is soft, feminine, easy and a great way to get those pesky half-grown out bangs out of the way.

I usually wash and blow dry my hair in the fall - winter season (always dry your bangs/shortest layer first!). My hair is naturally very curly but not consistent enough to leave natural when the weather is drier. 

My favourite hair tool is the Conair Infinity Pro Spin Air Brush:

c. www.folica.com

It makes my hair really smooth and still keeps all the volume and a big, loose curl. 

Then, run your fingers through your hair, flip your head over and spray with hair-spray (not too much, it should not be stiff!)

Take a piece of hair, gently twist it back and insert the bobby pin with the open end toward your face and the way side down. If it isn't holding with one pin (usually it will), cross a second one underneath, wavy side down.

c. Getty + Getty, Kathleen Kaupenhauser,Elizabeth Griffin

2. Roll-up

If your hair looks better up or you are having a bad hair day, this is a great way to look elegant and put together without too much hassle:

c. Barbara Donninelli

To achieve this style, put hair in a low, loose ponytail. Above the elastic, gently split the hair in two and feed the ponytail through the hole. Sprinkle some of Schwartzkopf Got2b Volumizing Powder ($3.99 at Shoppers, definitely worth its weight in gold!)

c. www.makeupalley.com

Then, back comb the top half of the ponytail lightly for added volume. Take the end of the ponytail and tuck it across the elastic and out to the sides. Pin across the top to secure, give it a spray and, for added flair, add a pretty barrette or comb.

c. thebeautydepartment.com

3. Half-up

I love half-up. When my hair isn't completely down, it is usually half-up. It works great if you have a really nice barrette or pretty, decorative bobby pins.

Note: Decorative bobby pins are allowed to be seen.

Here is a really easy, great style from The Small Things Blog.

Watch her youtube video here:

If you have natural hair, I adore this look:

c. babble.com

Pin Curls

Another amazing use for bobby pins which I feel is greatly under used, especially when you're travelling and don't have your entire hair arsenal with you. It is also a great way to curl your hair without heat if it is easily damaged.

I have hidden many pin curls under hats on my way to performances!

They are also a great way to maintain the curl if you have a long time to wait between hair time and performance time. I have used lots of the methods from this article in the past and she does a great job of before and afters:

How To Curl Straight Hair Without Heat

Well, that's all for this week. I hope you have found the information to be both helpful and informative!

Tune-in next week for Performance Hair[styles] Part 2: Curls

Ageism in Canadian Opera: a reflection on the article "Women in Canadian Theatre" by Kate Taylor

Today I opened my Facebook mini-feed and scrolled through casting announcements, birthday wishes and silly memes of cats, or logs break-dancing. I scrolled past the engagement announcements, the inside jokes, photos of newly born babies and a recipe for roast chicken.

Then I saw something substantial. Something worth reading and I right-clicked to open in a new tab. The article headline reads:

KATE TAYLOR: WOMEN IN CANADIAN THEATRE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR RUSSEL CROWE

The article opens with a description of 12 actresses in a basement of a theatre speaking with the director discussing their characters and what cancer means to them. The women quickly find that what they have in common is not the thematic material, but find that they have all been struggling to get work as actresses over the age of 40-45.

Whoa.

This hits pretty close to home.

In a world where opera companies are "trying to stay relevant" and therefore trying to make opera "younger and sexier", this rings true.

Young Artist Companies are taking younger singers every year. Singers just finished undergrads, diplomas or freshly out of their Masters'.

It doesn't look like the world of straight theatre is any different.

How many times do we, as singers (particularly anyone with any substance to their voice) hear things like:

"Give it ten more years and you will be ready to go."

"You're still so young, you have so much time!"

"Your voice is just going to take a little longer in the oven."

That advice is all fine and dandy, but what do you do when your 20-something colleagues are entering into YAP's before they're 26? What do you do when that tenor you attended programs with for years gets cast in the countries biggest opera house in a principle role in his early 30's?

I have a colleague who began music school slightly later than their peers and whose teacher refused to write a letter of reference not because they were not impressed by the level of performance, but because, although under the age limit for a program, was deemed "too old" by their teacher.

The pressure to perform at such a mature level which takes decades of life and professional experience is ridiculous. How are singers freshly out of university and conservatories supposed to hop up on the professional, A-house stage and be both academically, musically and emotionally prepared for these roles?

We can't be.

It doesn't matter how much natural talent they have. It doesn't matter with whom they studied in Europe. The emotional and professional maturity, let alone vocal readiness, is just not present.

While this pressure is big on the men in the field, it seems to be weighed even less in the favour of women.

“I have been watching my fellow actresses becoming older and more brilliant by the year and I have been watching many of them not getting enough work, not getting enough stage time,” says Ardal.

There has been press release after press release on women in this industry having their appearance commented on, praise for losing the baby weight so quickly, for bouncing back after a bypass or scathing comments on needing to lose the weight, or their voice being destroyed after losing too much weight, looking to old for the part and for not being "sexually appealing enough".

When women finally get to the peak of their vocal fitness, other life events will have happened and the beauty of youth may not be as present.

"Easier said then done if you find that, as soon as you have the chops, the roles have disappeared."

It seems to be true in both theatre, film and opera that:

“It takes a long, long time to get as good as you wish to be. Just as you hit your 40s and say, ‘I am so ready, ready to do big things,’ they are just not available,” says Reid.

While the article upon which I am reflecting begins to generalize about, as the title suggests, "Women in Canadian Theatre", I can't help but feel this age divide is so prevalent in the opera world and only getting worse for all young singers.

Is casting extremely young singers a Canadian issue or is this happening elsewhere?

Let me know your thoughts!

The email subscribe button is ready to go - sign up for automatic updates. :)

Please find the entire article here:

"Women in Canadian Theatre" by Kate Taylor

j x.o

Thank you! You've blown me away!

You guys are too much and I am completely overwhelmed with the reception my latest post has received.

I honestly wrote it with the intention of entertaining my mom, aunts, some cousins, maybe a few friends would read it and be like, "hey, cool blog."

Never, in my wildest dreams did I expect it to take off like this!

All of you are amazing and I am so grateful that you took the time to both read and share!

Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!

I hope you have a beautiful weekend!

Follow me on Twitter: @irrelevantdiva

Find me on Facebook: facebook.com/theirrelevantdiva

And Instagram: @theirrelevantdiva

I went to New York and all I got was scabies: the un-glamorous life of a singer

This title is based on a true story. The glamour is all an illusion.

"But Jessica, opera singers get to travel, see the world, and sing all day!"

"Oh, but opera singers are so glamorous. The travelling, the gowns, the venues!"

"But...ANNA!"

I know.

Sigh.

The glitz, the sparkle, the overwhelming feeling that being an opera singer will be sheer elegance. From the outside, I still see this.  I have been developing in this field for 9 years and every time I hear someone say, The Met. I see the Prima Donna and the gowns, the jewelry and the town cars and chandeliers and I drift off into my day dreams.

My little heart flutters with excitement and a gnawing desire to be that image to have that life and yet, I know that this is simply not the true life of these world class singers. I know because I am living the audition circuit. I am watching colleagues live the audition circuit and you know what? It just doesn't seem to get more glamorous as the years go by.

Sometimes I find myself hoping that maybe I just haven't reached the height of things yet or that maybe its just the location and if I move somewhere wonderful, I won't feel so normal and tired and positively un-glamorous.

Here is a little insight the the average life of an opera singer: it isn't that thrilling. It is a lot of hard work. It is exhausting, disappointing, draining and yet, for the few moments we are on the stage, it makes up for everything. That's why we keep at it. We wait around like a junkie for our next hit and once we get it we can't help but go out and search for the next. It's a deep-rooted passion that makes it clear to us that if we do not keep performing, our souls will whither.

If you are unfamiliar with the underbelly of the opera world, I am going to give you a little tour of audition season (September - December) so that you, too, may know what we are living.

SEPTEMBER

Freshly home from summer programs (which, since you were away, you missed your best friends and your cousins wedding and your grandma's 90th birthday). It cost upwards of $3000 and not working for money all summer because of said program causes you to arrive home completely broke and exhausted.

Filled with inspiration from a month of lessons, masterclasses, Alexander technique, acting, yoga and performances, you are determined to continue with the work you were doing on your craft.

You think to yourself, "yes, I have to get back to work, but I am really going to keep at it this year! I am going to audition for everything! I am definitely ready!"

You just got home from a program but the applications for next year are due next week.

You start researching and realize that every. single. application. is now going through YAP Tracker. You're a little annoyed since you haven't gone back to work yet and it's going to cost $50 but you do it anyway.

As you filter through notices, you realize 90% of them are community organizations looking for volunteer ushers (really, YAP Tracker?!)

Finally, you find the programs you were looking for and realize:

OMG. THESE APPLICATIONS ARE DUE NEXT WEEK.

Looking down the list of supplementary materials, you notice that you will to need to send a recording. 

Company A wants: 4 arias, one in English, 2 references, $50 application fee, no guaranteed live audition

Company B wants: 2 arias, one English and a musical theatre piece (oh, no probs.), 3 references $75 application fee and proof you can acquire an American Visa ($300), recording pre-screen, no guaranteed live audition, no plastic CD case

Company C wants: 5 arias, one Handel or Mozart, one English and at least 4 languages, 2 references $60 application fee and $20 cash for the provided pianist, guaranteed live audition

Company D wants: 2 arias, one in English, 1 oratorio, 2 art songs (one orchestrated), 1 musical theatre, a monologue and a note from your mom (kidding). $20 application fee and a free pianist, pre-screen recorded audition, no guarantee of live audition, application must be post marked October 20th, include a self-addressed stamped envelope and a black and white glossy 8x10 (?!)

OK. You definitely have enough arias; the Mozart feels like garbage but it will have to do. Maybe you should get a new French piece but you'll have to ask your teacher ($80-$150) whom you haven't seen in 3 months, coach it at least once ($50 - $75) and then it might not even be quite right. Oh God. You might still remember your orchestrated song you did in Vocal Rep in 2nd year masters, and something from the Messiah or Elijah should be ok, right?

You haven't sung musical theatre since high school but you think you can remember all the words to something from Les Mis, so that's pretty good. You can work with that. Maybe it can double as a monologue. Just do it out of context, they probably won't ask for it anyway.

Ok. The recording guy can come ($300) so hopefully the pianist ($100) and the church space you are renting ($80) will all be available at the same time. You are back to work this week so the options for times are slim and all the pianists are busy with undergrads. It's fine. It will work out.

You get all the applications in on the required date (the day of, obviously) and then you wait.

OCTOBER

You checked all the boxes. You sent everything in on time. You managed to practice once this week. You found enough references.

You have waited at least 2 weeks and, finally, the results are in!

Congratulations, you have received live audition times in NYC in November!

 2 auditions in 2 days.

Ok, Porter Airlines, show me a deal! Hotels.com, be a pal.

You find some ok-ish deals but decide maybe you'd better take the bus. It's fine. What's 12 hours overnight? Both ways? For that price, totally worth it!

Find a couch to crash on. Awesome. Or, at least a decent hotel deal (under $150/night, shared bathroom, it's fine.), 7 minute walk from audition #2, 4 starts on Google Reviews! Sweet.

Plan ahead at work so they don't have a coronary that you will be absent most of November. Spend PA Days teaching 8 hours between 3 studios so you don't lose out on too much income or have angry parents emailing that their child does not want a sub no matter how wonderful, personally recommended and qualified they may be.

Your teacher can fit you in once the week before you leave and tells you your Mozart will be fine.

You practiced once this week.

Your students have colds. They coughed on you. You have a sore throat. It must be in your head since you ate enough garlic this week to repel 100 years worth of vampires.

NOVEMBER

It was not in your head. You haven't been able to sing in 2 weeks because you are coughing your lungs out. You can barely teach for fear of losing the only voice you have left. You'll get it together. It's fine. NyQuil was on sale at Shoppers.

This month, the one professional gig you got is preparing to take its production out to the middle of nowhere. You move your students around to be able to make it to Saturday and Sunday rehearsals, you pick up a sub job at a church on Sunday mornings to help pay for your auditions. You are now working 7 days a week. With a cold and big, impending auditions.

You make it out alive and well enough to sing just in time to get to New York. You arrive at a strange time of day because that was the best deal you could get and sign into your hotel/drop your bag off at in a friends living room. Everything looks pretty good and you are psyched to be in NYC.

NYC. Must. Try. And. See. Everything. In 2 Days. And audition twice.

Seeing the MoMA and the Metropolitan Museum of Art in the same day was a poor decision. Utterly overwhelming and you are experiencing big time sensory overload. Audition tomorrow morning. Should get to bed. The Chipotle you ate thinking it was a safe bet in both the budget and dietary restrictions category isn't sitting quite right, but you'll live.

Next morning, wake up. Nervous. New city. Must find Jamba Juice. Call the audition venue to book a practice space; booked solid. Rats. Have a smoothie, shower, sing very quietly in the shared bathroom so as not to disturb other guests and realize this is the only warm up you are going to get because there is a warm-up ban in the audition space.

You get your hair and make-up right (after managing to dodge the puddles left in the bathroom by the stranger down the hall like a champ), only for it to be destroyed by the wind as you lug your garment and book bags 20 blocks.

Arrive at the venue, they're running ahead of schedule. NO PRESSURE. Go to the bathroom to get dressed and fix the mascara that is running down your face because your eye watered the whole walk over. Scare the girl who is trying to put on nylons in the bathroom, she falls over, you both laugh and laugh and even though she doesn't speak English, you both understand the travesty of both nylons and trying to get ready in tiny theatre bathrooms.

You get yourself pulled together, try to hum very quietly so that you don't get kicked out. Make sure your binder is in the correct order and you have everything you were supposed to bring.

The audition slot is five minutes, everyone before you only got to sing one piece. You walk in, smile, introduce yourself, nod to the pianist and breathe.

The pianist doesn't know the piece. The tempo is wrong. It's ok. You were trained for this. Just keep singing, they will find you. Half way through the piece, you're finally together, all the while acting like there is no issue.

You're finished singing. There is a pause.

You smile.

"Thank you. We'll be in touch."

No second piece? Ok. That's cool. Just smile, thank them and go.

The person waiting to go in next asks you what the room is like. You say, "it's fine, a little dead, you might feel like over singing but don't worry. It sounds better out here than it feels in there!"

Go into the bathroom, put your comfies back on.  Look at yourself in the mirror. The hair, the make-up and the casual clothes. Perfect.

Spend the day sightseeing but call it an early night and go back to the hotel to watch Netflix because you still have to sing tomorrow.

Get to the next audition, smaller venue, more singers, running way behind schedule. People are name dropping and resume bolstering and putting on their biggest, fakest selves to colleagues. You wait in the hallway, trying not to engage for 40 - 60 minutes as person after person goes in and sings your identical repertoire. Try not to listen. You're different. They will see that.

Right before you go in, the assistant goes in to tell them their dinner break won't be as scheduled and they still have 2 more auditions to hear and they send you in.

Oh no. Hungry panel. They've been here for 8 hours. It's ok. Make them happy they're not eating and that they're here listening to the same aria for the 30th time this hour.

After you sing, they ask, "What else are you working on?"

This is the place that sent an email the night before with extremely specific instructions and requirements. They want to hear something you didn't pack.

"Sorry, I didn't bring that with me," you smile.

"Just a piece of advice, always bring more than what we've asked for," they look at you like they've never been so exhausted with anyone.

"Oh. Ok, thank you!" you manage a grin.

As you leave the space, you begin to shake.

How could I be so dumb? Why didn't I pack everything I have ever learned?!

And then you remind yourself that this is the company that said:

Please do not bring anything we did not specify on the application.

I cannot win.

It's ok. It's over. You did it. Home tomorrow.

First, you have to call the home office of the first audition and if your name appears on their recorded message after 6 pm. You call 3 times before the message has been refreshed. They took 8 singers for call backs after 200 that auditioned that week (out of 3 weeks). Your name was not on the list so you ask the hotel where to find the best pub and they send you down the street.

You're not supposed to drink alcohol because the naturopath said but what does she know about audition season? You have 3 glasses of wine, followed by 2 slices of New York cheese pizza (whatever, you already over did it with the wine) and a donut. 

The next morning you're so swollen from allergens that you can't get your boots on.

3 more auditions in your home city and then you're done. And back to work. And a travelling production on the weekends and it's advent so that's always good.

No but really. It's going to be fine.

DECEMBER

2 auditions left. You've got this. One of them doesn't even stress you out because they only ever take one voice type and it's not yours but it was a free audition so you may as well do it for the experience. Because the pressure is off you nail it. But it doesn't matter. Because they were never going to take you. And they don't.

You go on tour with the production you worked on and miss your student's recitals because of it. 

The next morning, you wake up covered in tiny, itchy water blisters. You leave it a week hoping it will go away. When they don't, you go to the doctor who sends you to a specialist who tells you it's scabies.

Scabies.

From the hotel in NYC.

The cream costs $30 a tube and your partner has them, too so you end up spending $60 on cream and $40 on laundry because everything has to be washed and dried. Everything.

A week later and they're still not gone so you must treat a second time. 2 tubes of cream and another full day of laundry.

You have also missed 4 Christmas parties scheduled on the same day in 3 cities.You are still working 6 days a week and have your first Sunday off in 8 weeks halfway through December. Because it's your first day off, you get groceries, do laundry, watch a Christmas special and the day is over.

Suddenly it's Christmas. You've received PFO's (Please F*&$ Off's) from nearly every company.

It's then you realize:

I went to New York and all I got was scabies.